A Lonely Place Time to CLEAN HOUSE

Last night I started working on my prayer life and my bible study life.  I also revisited an old idea of deliverance.  Deliverance is an intimidating business and once you start, there are LOTS of things that can and will happen.  Once you take a stand to remove demons and Satan from your house you can expect a HUGE revolt and that is exactly how today went.  I literally didn't even get into the first chapter of the deliverance study and already today it's like an explosion of pain is on me.  

The Executive Director of my company laid into me today.  There is way too much explanation needed for anyone to understand that this person is completely horrible to his employees and has no ability to lead people and promote a good workplace environment.  There is no way to convey in this short blog how much effort and hard work I put into my job or how under appreciated I am at my job. There is no way to describe how awful it is to get up every morning and go to work where you once hoped to do so much good, only to find out you are not allowed to help.  It is a joyless place full of bitterness, frustration and drama.  It is an awful place to work.  It is impossible to explain that the small insignificant attempt to help someone today was turned into a rude exchange that resulted in the Executive Director speaking to me like I was a 12 year old in a classroom not an adult and intellectual equal that was trying her best to provide a solution for an upset client.  There is not way to begin to describe the belittling attitude and the subsequent helplessness I felt during that phone call.  There is no way to describe how awful it is to know you do your very best and still it is never good enough for some people.  It has been four years of awful at this place.  Four years of never given a performance review.  I have never been congratulated for any above and beyond efforts.  I have barely gotten raises (and they are union negotiated, not based on merit).  I have only ever been called out when an issue is made or someone to blame is needed.  This would ALL be tolerable except I go home every night to the same thankless environment, disrespectful attitude and sad frustrating atmosphere.

I am a single mother of two children.  I have one son and one daughter.  I am the sole caregiver of my 85 year old mother.  My daughter has severe emotional disabilities.  I am not fortunate enough to have a supportive large family.  I am also not fortunate enough to have an ex husband that provides any form of financial or emotional support.  So, I am the one that has to work full time to pay all the bills and MUST go to work every day at the horrible place aforementioned to support my family which includes this child (whom I love and want very much) that will try the patience of Job and the faith of Abraham each and every day. Again, there is just not enough room to explain in this one post how difficult and disrespectful this child is.  How completely frustrating it is to have rules not followed.  A child that doesn't care about grades or behavior or being appropriate or kind.  A child that can never acknowledge or accept that she is loved.  A child that refuses to do what is right just because she is bored and it is easy to do the wrong thing.  A child that has every advantage I am able to provide within reason and still swears at me, blames me for every single aspect of her miserable behavior and does exactly what she wants when she wants regardless of the consequences. 

Before you shake your head any further and think she is just a spoiled brat, I absolutely have consequences, serious ones.  Unfortunately, we are no longer allowed to do what my parents did when I talked back or refused to do my homework or school work or chores, like wash my mouth out with lye soap or switch my butt or take a belt to my legs... nooooo that's abuse!  So instead we have extra chores, no phone, no tv privileges, no this and that... but NONE OF IT makes a dent in her behavior she simply adapts to not having whatever has been taken away and throwing that in my face too.  

Just as the Bible foretold, we have this whole generation of kids that is completely disrespectful and ungrateful.  I feel completely hopeless and trapped at this very moment.  I will go more into the situation with my daughter on another post, but today was just so frustrating and I was really at my last nerve after dealing with a boss being completely out of line and disrespectful and my daughter being disrespectful... it was just too much!

I know that all of this is stirring up because I am about to open up a whole can of GOD on the enemy. Yep... I am determined even more now to push forward and confront these demons that are attacking my house,  me and my children.  I am determined to push past the insanity and completely immerse myself in the Spirit of God.  I am determined to turn this mess around.  It is going to get a lot more messy before it gets right though.  It is not something to be entered into half heartedly either!  If you aren't careful instead of getting rid of one demon, he will bring in 7 more to torment you even worse! 

Deliverance is something every Believer should do.  All of us have demons of some sort that surround us, attack our thoughts and our actions, but the very act of deliverance, which was so commonplace in the Bible, is today considered by many to be just some "kooky" behavior only fanatics participate in. That just should not be so. We should all be striving toward getting the demons out of our lives.  We need to clean out our own body and then go for removing them from our children.  

I am frustrated right now and I am angry and I am tired.  I am going to keep going forward though. I will fight the good fight of faith.  I will overcome this horrible situation.  I will do what is right and I will pursue a better career and a better life for both of my children.  That better life is in Christ not in the World.  I don't care if I make less money, I just want joy in what I do.  I want my daughter free of her demons.  I want my son full of the Spirit of God.  I want this house, no matter how poor, to be full of joy, love and laughter.  It is possible, but it is time to CLEAN HOUSE!  

The Death of Mike & Molly

I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time over these many years pondering relationships.  I have had only a handful of good ones and more than my share of horrible.  I had put myself into a place of just accepting that many big girls don't get loved.   This is just my perception.  Maybe I am not alone in thinking this way.   I recognize that there are a really fortunate bunch of plus size ladies that have amazing husbands that love them and their size with their whole heart.  I had some that didn't care, but they were so flawed themselves, I always felt like a consolation prize.  I went through many years thinking they chose me because they had to settle.  I convinced myself that was the reason they treated me badly.  I convinced myself that if only I was skinny, I would be treated well.  It was always my fault.  ALWAYS!  I always blamed my looks.  I always thought the worst.  It just never occurred to me that they had problems and I made my weight their excuse.  I have grown a lot but still every so often the imps play with my head and lead me back down the dangerous road of pride and self-loathing that can consume me way too much.

Thanks to Hollywood, my suspicions were constantly confirmed with every single romance movie and every single drama, every single tv show... all of the actors were beautiful people.  It is not about the soul, it is about the looks!   Everywhere I turned, confirmation that fat girls will NEVER be loved that way. Fat girls can't run into a handsome guy at the coffee shop and get swept off her feet!  Fat girls can't go away on a trip to England and be scooped up by a duke or a prince.  Fat girls can't .... fat girls can't....

Even Shallow Hal with Jack Black and Gwenyth Paltrow, which tried to make a point about loving the person not the looks.. used the model styled Gwenyth to captivate the audience... personally, I can't get past her real life personality to watch her in films anymore, but that is just me. Why on earth did they need to make Gwenyth look ugly and fat.  There are many beautiful plus size people.  You can be ugly and skinny too!  UGH So frustrated today.

Then there was Drop Dead Diva, a model that died and was sent into a big, smart girls body. Again, you needed that thin girl first to capture the audience?   REALLY!  I loved this show because a handsome, fit man actually fell in love with a plus size girl because she was beautiful, smart and funny, but even she displayed those doubts in the show about not being wanted because of her looks.... and then they ruined the whole plot and ended the show without ever redeeming the main characters self-worth. ~~Sigh

Imagine how overjoyed I was to see Mike & Molly succeed in television.  No premise of the thin, model like people.  Just 2 regular attractive people falling in love and living life and going through stuff.  Then Melissa McCarthy decides to improve the quality of her life by losing weight and suddenly.. WHAM... no more Mike & Molly.  This is real life.  Big people are told they must be thin and eventually they decide for whatever reason they need to get thin so they do what they think they should and.....show gets canceled!

What message are you sending Hollywood???  You condemn large people, talk about how they shouldn't be fat.  You wreak havoc on people's emotions and self-esteem, but the minute someone big tries to improve themselves, that ruined the show?  I can assure you it did not.  I can assure you that I was encouraged by the reality and humor of that program.  I was given hope that big girls can be completely loved and cared for JUST AS THEY ARE!!!

After months on these awful dating websites and not one legitimately decent person invested one minute to get to know me, I lost my hope again and now there is no Mike & Molly to remind me that it can happen.  Today, I am feeling hopeless.  I have had guys ask my weight.  They ask me to send pics of my figure.  Without even meeting me!  WHY?  You liked my face, we have things in common... I am so frustrated!  Yes, I know attraction is important, but it seems I don't even have a good chance.  I guess it also doesn't help that I am very clear about my faith and expectations.  In this day and age, if you are big and won't "give it up"..FORGET IT!  No dates, no conversations.  Just silence.

This is how I feel.  I have spent most of my life being used or mistreated.  I have been asked out by guys that had no intention of actually taking me OUT.  They wanted to safely hide me from any eyes that would judge them for being with a big girl.  They planned dinner in... or lets just stay in and watch a movie.... I know better now, I don't even blink when I say no to those guys.  Being big is even a "fetish" for some people.  A FETISH... seriously.  I am an excellent cook with a terrible metabolism and a beautiful heart.  I love God and family.  I work hard, I play hard, I laugh hard and I have lots of love to give.  Why on earth is it so hard to find a date without a size 8 body??

Today was a rough day.  I am losing weight, but so tired of feeling like, if I don't, no one will want me.  This is how I feel today.  I will pray.  I will seek God's face and ask Him to fill me with love and I will feel better.  In the meantime, this blog was all about sharing real stuff.  This stuff is VERY real to me!

One Nation Under God - A CALL TO RETURN

I just got through watching War Room.  Any film that can uplift the soul and that pursue faith and love is worthy of attention.  This film did not disappoint in waking up my sleeping soul.  I needed that wake up call.  In light of all the horror filling the world this is the type of movement we need across the USA.  We need the warriors.  We need the prayer warriors to wake up and pursue God with every fiber of their bodies.  I need to be a warrior.  I need to pray for removal of demons in my home and in my children.  I need to pray for immediate relief from the torment of terrorism.

Our country has fallen apart.  We are full of greed and materialism.  We are all about self.  We are all about idols.  We are all about talking about equality and yet so far from it because all this "equality" talk is doing is bringing more hate.  Why is that?  Because God is NOT IN THIS WITH US.  There is no cloud guiding us as God did in Exodus for the Israelites.  We have one thing, the WORD.  We are a lost people  We are lost country.

What should we do?  What should ALL of us do?  

Yesterday it occurred to me that it only took one faithful Believer to change God's mind in so many horrifying situations.  Moses asked God to forgive and have mercy on the Israelites when they sinned and created the Golden Calf.  Daniel another faithful Believer that summoned the mightiest angels to help the Israelites in captivity.  Great prophets like Elijah and Elisha.  Then there is Esther... ahhh Queen Esther "for such a time as this".  Esther saved her people through prayer and fasting and a singular act of faith and bravery.  That is what we need to do.  Each one of us BELIEVE in or God and ask, pray for mercy and repent of our own wrongdoing.  Pray for our country, pray for our families and pray for the lost.  PRAY

Satan is here to seek, kill and destroy.  He is lying to us every day.  He is poisoning hearts and blinding them with lies that we need to fight, hate and argue with one another.  Someone always has to be right and someone always has to be wrong in Satan's world.  That is not so in God's world.  In God's world it is okay to have a difference of opinion and it is okay to love the person that isn't the same.  We are fighting a battle that isn't ours to fight.  Instead we should be praying the angels fight these battles and we should be loving our neighbors and forgiving all the wrongs.  We should be doing what we know is the right!  AND WE DO KNOW.  God created each of us to know the difference!  WAKE UP AMERICA!  WAKE UP MY BROTHERS & SISTERS!  We need a return to faith!  God was with us once and we prospered and we were SAFE!  

This is what I pledge to do every day for the rest of my life....fight the good fight and not give up spreading the message that WE NEED GOD IN AMERICA!  Are you with me??

A World Gone Crazy

I woke up this morning and thanked God for all my gifts and blessings.  I go downstairs and get my coffee which always is such a small little joy I also thank God for.  I open my phone and WHAM the madness assaults my peace.  Yesterday, it was all the information about poor Christina Grimmie shot as she is signing autographs.  Today, a Gay bar in Orlando...22 dead, 40 injured and Twitter has gone crazy with posts about "it's the guns fault" and "if only we banned guns"... people, we banned drugs too...how is that working out. 

If we ban guns, we should also ban sugar because sugar kills too.  Sugar causes cancer, obesity, mental health problems, depression, diabetes.   Knives kill.  We need to ban knives.  There is an endless list of things people can use to kill another person.  Poison, ropes, vehicles, their bare hands. Banning guns will only bring another form of violence.  People that use guns to murder are under the influence of darkness and no matter what, that darkness will find a way to kill.   I know that sugar and guns is an oxymoron, but the world has literally gone crazy. THERE IS ONLY ONE SOLUTION!!! BEG God to return. REPENT of all our sinful ways and try and return to a time when God was present in the world and was working on our behalf.  

The United States as a whole is so blinded by Satan and his agenda that they can't even see the downward spiral.  Politics and society is so busy trying be nice to foreigners (that really do want to blow us up) and the LGBT community (who really are not the threat to anyone) no one is noticing how bad everything else is escalating. Economy, relations with other countries, homelessness and the poor, veterans on the streets, rising prices of everything, and worst of all the ridiculous agendas that has everyone fighting for the wrong thing.  Please put two and two together folks.  God is not pleased, and he is allowing more and more violence, disruption and chaos into our country.  

Yes, God is REAL!!  God does exist.  God has a plan.  God will execute his judgment.  God will also wipe us out if we keep going the way we are going.  I won't quote scripture but if you do read the Bible and do understand the progression, the USA is NOT mentioned or even considered in Revelations! The way things are going, I completely see why and I just pray daily for my family and friends.  I also pray for our country, our leaders and our military.  We are going to need them if we keep up destroying each other.  Actually, it seems like the way we are going God may just let us wipe each other out because we are so busy fighting the wrong battles and attacking each other instead of uplifting and supporting our own!

So in response to all the insanity, instead of tweeting your outrage at gun owners, it might be wise to PRAY!!  Think of the fact that life is precious and a gift that can be taken away in a blink.  Also, look at it this way, no matter what your belief in God may be; the fact that our country is spiraling in a very bad direction should be proof enough that we need to make some drastic changes in our behavior!  Stop being outraged at the use of guns and be outraged at the BEHAVIOR of people. Fight for more mental health assistance.  Fight for more law enforcement and higher wages for those that protect and serve.  Fight for our veterans to get better benefits.  Fight a good fight that will actually make a difference.  Feed the hungry.  Help the poor.  Put your fight and your money towards things that will improve the quality of someone's life.  This is what will make changes that can be felt around the world, ACTS OF KINDNESS!

I remember watching an Adam Sandler movie that had a scene where Steve Buscemi played a character that was bullied and tormented throughout school... he had a list of people he was going to shoot and Adam Sandler was on that list.  Adam's character felt remorse and after all those years decided to pick up the phone and call this man to apologize.   Steve's character crossed Adam's name off the list.  Kindness and remorse won the day.  Who know's what your act of kindness can do to change the life of someone that is in desperate need of something good.

We must do what Phillipians 4:8 suggests:  "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  Then PRAY for those things to come.  Not just pray but ACT.  Do something good for someone else and the ripple effect could change the course of our history as a Nation.

No person should be murdered.  No person should have life snatched away like all these lives that have been taken so senselessly.  Today, I cried because I know how wrong we are as a nation, and I feel helpless to make a difference.   I do know I can be kind.  I can do random acts of good for others.   I absolutely will get on my knees every night and pray throughout the day for God to forgive us and come back and make things right again.

Go out and purposely do something good for someone else every single day.  Please pray with me for a return to peace.  In Jesus Name!  

Tidbits About Weight Loss

It isn't easy being big.  This world is not kind to "big".  Even worse than the world's opinion, is my own opinion.  I have battled my appearance for so long that what mattered most, my soul, just took a back seat.  I do know that God gives us trials to teach us what is really important and so we can share with others so they don't feel so alone.  That is why I started this blog.  To talk about all the many things God has delivered me from and helped me through.  My addiction to food and subsequent plummet into a world of self-loathing and self-hatred is a journey that many are and have faced.  I just wanted to add my story too.  I want to share what God has done for me and hopefully encourage someone else that is feeling as hopeless as I have felt.

My weight struggles began when I was 14 years old.  I was going to my boyfriend's prom, weighing 120 lbs and my mom, bless her heart, thought that I needed to lose weight.  I now understand she meant no harm, but because of her own body image issues, she altered my life by making me think my body was less than acceptable.  I had not, up until that point, thought anything was wrong with me... and in fact, there wasn't.  5'4 and 120 lbs on a large frame was EXCELLENT.  I played tennis. I was an athlete and a good swimmer.  I loved to be outdoors and I really didn't think anything about the food I ate or when I ate.

That all changed that day we tried on prom dresses.  I was blessed with a bubble butt, large chest and muscular thighs from exercise.  My mom was concerned because those tight fitting dresses seemed to hug all those things, and to her... I guess I looked fat.  

For years a teetered between 120 and 150 lbs.  It wasn't horrible, but I couldn't stop thinking about food and weight.  After all these years of struggling, it finally is occurring to me that if you think about food all the time.... unhealthy habits absolutely will form.  Thin people simply rarely think about food and when they are hungry they eat.  I unfortunately was not lucky and what began as just a normal life in good shape morphed into a food addiction that has basically taken control of my life. Even dieting means thinking about food constantly!!!  What can't eat?  When can I eat?  How much of this and that.  It's just endless and either way..... I have morphed myself into a mess.  

This is me in 2011 at a friends 4th of July cook out.  Happy on the outside and miserable on the inside.  I had just quit smoking that weekend too so UGHHH it was tough.  This was a few years after I moved from my home in Alabama to be with someone that I thought actually cared for me.  This relationship was really the catalyst that spiraled me into such a bout of low self esteem, only God pulled me through.  When someone says "I've never really dated a big girl before, so let's see how it goes".... RUN and RUN FAST.  I should have realized that this was NOT a compliment!  I should have realized that this was hurtful, but honestly it never occurred to me to be insulted.  There were other things that happened before this guy, but that is for another time and another story. Suffice it to say I went through a lot of emotional turmoil and gained the most weight ever.

Fast forward to February, 2016, I went to the doctor for a physical.  I had to do the usual blood work and when she called me in, the news was surprising in, but the words "PRE DIABETIC" scared the heck out of me and I decided right then and there I had to do something drastic.  So I cut out every single bit of sugar and carbohydrate that I could possibly think of.  I read books and did research and decided on trying a Ketogenic lifestyle and see if that would help. 

I could write a diet story, but that simply isn't what this journey is about.  Dieting shouldn't be anyone's journey.  I think dieting is just awful and it isn't what God wants for us. God wants us to be healthy and full of joy.  He made each of us special whether big or small.  So this is not a "diet" story.  I am not writing to tell you about how amazing Keto is.  I am not going to try and get advertising and free stuff by promoting this as a diet.  I simply stating that Keto or LCHF Low Carb High Fat was my choice to take a stab out getting back in good health.

The journey is not and will not be easy.  I am a traveler on a very long path to self-acceptance and this blog will be my way of documenting the roller coaster of my life.  Losing weight is just a small part of the bigger picture.  I am doing well using this method of losing weight, but honestly for me the food is just not the issue it is the reason behind eating that is.  I eat not because I am hungry.  I eat for the pleasure of it.  I was eating my feelings away.  I was numbing with food and when you do that... I can assure you NO DIET will satisfy.  Everything you try will be a struggle.  The results will not be the same as a person who really just over ate and gained some pounds and needs to cut back to lose it.  NOOOOO being a food addict means that every time something goes in my mouth I have to wonder, am I hungry, or is it something else.  I have trained my body to CRAVE FOOD all the time. There is no satisfaction.  I don't feel full.  So, for me, when the diets say "eat as much as you like" of something that is just an oxymoron.   LIMITS ARE NECESSARY!  I can eat 3 lbs of meat just as easily as a box of oreos..... so quantity is a problem.

I settled on the Keto diet because eating full fat actually is satisfying and it has been easier for me to fight when the urge to eat something all the time strikes me.  Pecans with lots of salt do wonders when you want to eat a whole bag of chips.  Butter and heavy cream, real dressing on lots of lettuce, all of these things are helping me get through this process of retraining my brain to turn to God not food.

This is me May, 2016.  I don't know how much I weighed in 2011.  I don't care anymore. What I am trying to do is stop using food to cope with

sadness.  I am trying to stop using food for comfort, for happiness, for, well, everything.  Instead of turning to God, I was turning to food and it wasn't working anymore.  The bigger I got the emptier I felt.

This is my story.  This is my journey to recover from an addiction to food. I want to reach out and encourage anyone out there struggling to let go of an addiction.  IT IS POSSIBLE, but you must pray and lean on God for support and strength.  It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. 50 miles in.... 150 miles out!  I have lost almost 40 lbs since February.  It seems like it is taking forever, but I know this, nothing worth having is easy.  I sure don't want to go backwards again.  Keep following along with me on this journey and let's see where it goes!  God Bless

Match NOT.com - Internet non-dating & Other Tales of the Single Older Female Trying to Date

This is a commentary for those of you that often wonder about what it is like to find a date on the internet.  I can honestly say, I wonder too.  I am active on more sites than I really care to think about and the reality of it is that most people are shallow and are looking for nothing even close to a relationship. These sites tend to promote promiscuous shallowness.  So why do it?  Sadly, there are no bars I want to go to.  Do they even have "mixers anymore? The churches in the area rarely, if ever, have anything for singles other than marriage advice and things for 30 and under.  Us older kids have to fend for ourselves and wade through the trauma of internet rejection or worse, internet stalking.

So lets discuss what really happens in internet dating (at least to me).  You create a profile.  You add pictures and then you wait for someone to "like, wink, hint, message or view" your pictures.  Then you put yourself through abject misery when none of the above happen, or worse, the only men that notice you are way too old to even consider, have no teeth, dressed in nasty clothes, extremely unattractive and/or are holding cigarettes or beer bottles outside their rotting trailer (yes they do post pictures like that).

I did mention shallowness, and while that is mainly what I think is the problem with internet dating, there is really no doubt that there has to be some chemistry and there is no way around people wanting to see what a person looks like.  However, the way you can rig a picture these days, there is no guarantee that what you are seeing is really what you are getting.  I am not kidding .... the majority of men that are on these sites are so completely ridiculous about the pictures they post.  Sometimes I just flip through to crack up at the pictures.  You think the Walmart videos are entertaining... just make a profile on a dating site and see what men post as profile pics.

Lets start with the pretenders or the men that think all women want is money.  These men take pictures in front of a fancy car, on a boat, on a motorcycle, or on a beach.  If they believe they can only persuade you to talk to them because they have money (or pretend to have money) they will take a picture in front of a big impressive house (usually one they don't own).

I especially love the guys that think taking a picture in their bathroom (that are usually super dirty and full of mess) is attractive.  Guys, I can assure you, that the bathroom pictures are ridiculous and that is why the camera actually faces you for pictures!!  It's called a selfie!  Also, the pics in your bedroom or on the bed or couch or even a gym with your shirt off aren't really appealing either.  Just because you like to look at pics of half dressed women, doesn't mean that is what I want to look at. If you have to show me a picture of your body, then that is advertising to me that you think a person's body is very important and also indicates that you are willing to do a lot more than I want to with a date.

If they are bald they wear hats, if they are fat you only get a head shot or no picture at all.  If they are extremely unattractive they will hit on you with a psychotic frenzy.  If they are extremely attractive, its definitely a scammer in Ethiopia trying to con you out of any money you have because they believe all women on internet sites are desperate, stupid or both.

Lets also discuss the men that completely ignore your very specific dos and don'ts.  They ask inappropriate questions.  Make inappropriate comments or just ask flat out your chest size and how much sex you like to have.  They completely disregard my profile which clearly states I am a Christian seeking same!  I finally figured out, since they all basically lie on their profiles, they just assume that I am lying too!  Such a sad thing.

With all the shallowness aside, the most infuriating thing about the whole internet dating thing is that no one actually asks you out or rather no one you actually might want to go out with asks you out. My question is, why do decent guys with a good income go on the site and then send you a message and then never get back to you.  I have guys that start conversations and they seem interesting and then they just stop.  Not one date, not one complete sentence or complete conversation.  It is ridiculous.  I have yet to comprehend why they are on a dating site if you don't actually plan on asking someone OUT ON A DATE.

Let me also just add... stop putting on your profiles that you don't want "drama or games" AND THEN PLAY THEM.  I have very cautiously given my phone number to one or two and have had some fairly good conversations via text (no one actually wants to hear your voice anymore even though they have the phone number).    Then for no reason whatsoever, they just stop texting.  Never to be heard from again.  The ultimate game playing!  These are the same guys that say they know what they want and don't play games.  NO!!!! NO!!! NO!!!  I truly am tired of high school nonsense.
So, to wrap up for tonight, dating is tough as it is, but internet dating is the worst possible nightmare for finding someone to spend the rest of your life with.  Sadly, the alternatives are slim to none. EXCEPT I know my God is able and He can do more than I can ever imagine.  So I will wait on him and focus on more worthwhile things, like bible study and spending time with my amazing kids.    I might follow up on this another time, but I just got so irritated with all the nonsense and time wasted without one single meet and greet!  UGH Good night all.

Memorial Day

Some friends of mine donated a pool to us.  What a kind and wonderful gift.  I am so grateful.

Last summer was difficult for me because my son was traumatized by our lack of ANYTHING to do in the back yard.  Imagination is a thing of the past and what used to be fun when I was growing up... like playing in dirt and using inside toys outside.... just doesn't cut it with
todays "high maintenance" generation.  Our next door neighbors (literally an inch from our driveway) have a pool, trampoline, swing set, yard toys, etc. and me... nadda.  So, needless to say, my son moped the entire summer because they had all this fun he was watching from the sidelines.  I had to spend an entire summer watching him longingly look over the fence.  It was excruciating!

He would ride his bike up the driveway and keep looking over at the other kids hoping they would invite him over.   Then I had to talk to him about not inviting himself over or seeking pity.... then I had to encourage him to find joy in what he has.  Not an easy thing when so much laughter was going on right next door.  It stunk for him, and it stunk for me.  It was a tough time.  I understood my neighbors have a lot of kids and a lot on their plate.  However to a then 8 year old, that was not easily grasped.  I got frustrated and sometimes really angry, but we survived the summer.

How quickly the winter came and went and all of the sudden next door was getting everything ready for the summer ahead.... PANIC  set in for me as I realized I still had NADDA for our back yard.  I was dreading yet another year of moping, sad days and mommy lectures about gratitude and finding something to do.  Then a miracle... one of the soccer parents who I had become friends with told me they had a pool they couldn't use... did i want it???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  That was a miracle from heaven!  Finally, I thought, no more longing looks over at the other house.  No more moping and whining about nothing to do.  I REJOICED and gratefully accepted this blessing.

I should have clearly reviewed the parent handbook prior to my rejoicing.  If I had reviewed said handbook, I would remember that whatever I believe to be a wonderful gift and present, ultimately will be another "no big deal" for the child.  Yep, that is the generation being raised.  Please do not think for one second that I don't discipline my kids.  I take things away.  I ground and I limit all kinds of things and still, this new breed of youth, has a thicker skin than any generation before!! Not even appropriately administered spankings work.

Why do I say this?  Well, yesterday the pool went up and we started filling it.  Friends were here, and everyone was running through the filling pool whooping with joy... TODAY my son has wandered aimlessly around like a lost puppy.  He has come in and out of the house about 50 times in a 4 hour period.  Gone through 3 pairs of shorts jumping in the pool getting out and going inside.  He has looked longingly over at the next door about 25 times!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  How on earth can he not find some joy in what he has???  I just don't get it, but then again, I am old and happy to just get a moment to sit outside unencumbered.

I am so upset at this moment that I am seriously considering just draining the pool and giving it back, except my daughter is grateful to have it and will enjoy floating around in a raft reading over the summer.  So what does this mom plan on doing... right now I am considering a bearing wall that goes 20 feet in the air to block the neighbors yard and some ear plugs for him so he doesn't hear the laughter!

God is good and the cavalry just arrived, FRIENDS... now everyone is in the pool and happy. Friends do make everything better...... peace at last...well sort of.... now they are all fighting over the hose ~sigh