The Death of Mike & Molly

I have to admit that I have spent a lot of time over these many years pondering relationships.  I have had only a handful of good ones and more than my share of horrible.  I had put myself into a place of just accepting that many big girls don't get loved.   This is just my perception.  Maybe I am not alone in thinking this way.   I recognize that there are a really fortunate bunch of plus size ladies that have amazing husbands that love them and their size with their whole heart.  I had some that didn't care, but they were so flawed themselves, I always felt like a consolation prize.  I went through many years thinking they chose me because they had to settle.  I convinced myself that was the reason they treated me badly.  I convinced myself that if only I was skinny, I would be treated well.  It was always my fault.  ALWAYS!  I always blamed my looks.  I always thought the worst.  It just never occurred to me that they had problems and I made my weight their excuse.  I have grown a lot but still every so often the imps play with my head and lead me back down the dangerous road of pride and self-loathing that can consume me way too much.

Thanks to Hollywood, my suspicions were constantly confirmed with every single romance movie and every single drama, every single tv show... all of the actors were beautiful people.  It is not about the soul, it is about the looks!   Everywhere I turned, confirmation that fat girls will NEVER be loved that way. Fat girls can't run into a handsome guy at the coffee shop and get swept off her feet!  Fat girls can't go away on a trip to England and be scooped up by a duke or a prince.  Fat girls can't .... fat girls can't....

Even Shallow Hal with Jack Black and Gwenyth Paltrow, which tried to make a point about loving the person not the looks.. used the model styled Gwenyth to captivate the audience... personally, I can't get past her real life personality to watch her in films anymore, but that is just me. Why on earth did they need to make Gwenyth look ugly and fat.  There are many beautiful plus size people.  You can be ugly and skinny too!  UGH So frustrated today.

Then there was Drop Dead Diva, a model that died and was sent into a big, smart girls body. Again, you needed that thin girl first to capture the audience?   REALLY!  I loved this show because a handsome, fit man actually fell in love with a plus size girl because she was beautiful, smart and funny, but even she displayed those doubts in the show about not being wanted because of her looks.... and then they ruined the whole plot and ended the show without ever redeeming the main characters self-worth. ~~Sigh

Imagine how overjoyed I was to see Mike & Molly succeed in television.  No premise of the thin, model like people.  Just 2 regular attractive people falling in love and living life and going through stuff.  Then Melissa McCarthy decides to improve the quality of her life by losing weight and suddenly.. WHAM... no more Mike & Molly.  This is real life.  Big people are told they must be thin and eventually they decide for whatever reason they need to get thin so they do what they think they should and.....show gets canceled!

What message are you sending Hollywood???  You condemn large people, talk about how they shouldn't be fat.  You wreak havoc on people's emotions and self-esteem, but the minute someone big tries to improve themselves, that ruined the show?  I can assure you it did not.  I can assure you that I was encouraged by the reality and humor of that program.  I was given hope that big girls can be completely loved and cared for JUST AS THEY ARE!!!

After months on these awful dating websites and not one legitimately decent person invested one minute to get to know me, I lost my hope again and now there is no Mike & Molly to remind me that it can happen.  Today, I am feeling hopeless.  I have had guys ask my weight.  They ask me to send pics of my figure.  Without even meeting me!  WHY?  You liked my face, we have things in common... I am so frustrated!  Yes, I know attraction is important, but it seems I don't even have a good chance.  I guess it also doesn't help that I am very clear about my faith and expectations.  In this day and age, if you are big and won't "give it up"..FORGET IT!  No dates, no conversations.  Just silence.

This is how I feel.  I have spent most of my life being used or mistreated.  I have been asked out by guys that had no intention of actually taking me OUT.  They wanted to safely hide me from any eyes that would judge them for being with a big girl.  They planned dinner in... or lets just stay in and watch a movie.... I know better now, I don't even blink when I say no to those guys.  Being big is even a "fetish" for some people.  A FETISH... seriously.  I am an excellent cook with a terrible metabolism and a beautiful heart.  I love God and family.  I work hard, I play hard, I laugh hard and I have lots of love to give.  Why on earth is it so hard to find a date without a size 8 body??

Today was a rough day.  I am losing weight, but so tired of feeling like, if I don't, no one will want me.  This is how I feel today.  I will pray.  I will seek God's face and ask Him to fill me with love and I will feel better.  In the meantime, this blog was all about sharing real stuff.  This stuff is VERY real to me!