It isn't easy being big. This world is not kind to "big". Even worse than the world's opinion, is my own opinion. I have battled my appearance for so long that what mattered most, my soul, just took a back seat. I do know that God gives us trials to teach us what is really important and so we can share with others so they don't feel so alone. That is why I started this blog. To talk about all the many things God has delivered me from and helped me through. My addiction to food and subsequent plummet into a world of self-loathing and self-hatred is a journey that many are and have faced. I just wanted to add my story too. I want to share what God has done for me and hopefully encourage someone else that is feeling as hopeless as I have felt.
My weight struggles began when I was 14 years old. I was going to my boyfriend's prom, weighing 120 lbs and my mom, bless her heart, thought that I needed to lose weight. I now understand she meant no harm, but because of her own body image issues, she altered my life by making me think my body was less than acceptable. I had not, up until that point, thought anything was wrong with me... and in fact, there wasn't. 5'4 and 120 lbs on a large frame was EXCELLENT. I played tennis. I was an athlete and a good swimmer. I loved to be outdoors and I really didn't think anything about the food I ate or when I ate.
That all changed that day we tried on prom dresses. I was blessed with a bubble butt, large chest and muscular thighs from exercise. My mom was concerned because those tight fitting dresses seemed to hug all those things, and to her... I guess I looked fat.
That all changed that day we tried on prom dresses. I was blessed with a bubble butt, large chest and muscular thighs from exercise. My mom was concerned because those tight fitting dresses seemed to hug all those things, and to her... I guess I looked fat.
For years a teetered between 120 and 150 lbs. It wasn't horrible, but I couldn't stop thinking about food and weight. After all these years of struggling, it finally is occurring to me that if you think about food all the time.... unhealthy habits absolutely will form. Thin people simply rarely think about food and when they are hungry they eat. I unfortunately was not lucky and what began as just a normal life in good shape morphed into a food addiction that has basically taken control of my life. Even dieting means thinking about food constantly!!! What can't eat? When can I eat? How much of this and that. It's just endless and either way..... I have morphed myself into a mess.
This is me in 2011 at a friends 4th of July cook out. Happy on the outside and miserable on the inside. I had just quit smoking that weekend too so UGHHH it was tough. This was a few years after I moved from my home in Alabama to be with someone that I thought actually cared for me. This relationship was really the catalyst that spiraled me into such a bout of low self esteem, only God pulled me through. When someone says "I've never really dated a big girl before, so let's see how it goes".... RUN and RUN FAST. I should have realized that this was NOT a compliment! I should have realized that this was hurtful, but honestly it never occurred to me to be insulted. There were other things that happened before this guy, but that is for another time and another story. Suffice it to say I went through a lot of emotional turmoil and gained the most weight ever.
I could write a diet story, but that simply isn't what this journey is about. Dieting shouldn't be anyone's journey. I think dieting is just awful and it isn't what God wants for us. God wants us to be healthy and full of joy. He made each of us special whether big or small. So this is not a "diet" story. I am not writing to tell you about how amazing Keto is. I am not going to try and get advertising and free stuff by promoting this as a diet. I simply stating that Keto or LCHF Low Carb High Fat was my choice to take a stab out getting back in good health.
The journey is not and will not be easy. I am a traveler on a very long path to self-acceptance and this blog will be my way of documenting the roller coaster of my life. Losing weight is just a small part of the bigger picture. I am doing well using this method of losing weight, but honestly for me the food is just not the issue it is the reason behind eating that is. I eat not because I am hungry. I eat for the pleasure of it. I was eating my feelings away. I was numbing with food and when you do that... I can assure you NO DIET will satisfy. Everything you try will be a struggle. The results will not be the same as a person who really just over ate and gained some pounds and needs to cut back to lose it. NOOOOO being a food addict means that every time something goes in my mouth I have to wonder, am I hungry, or is it something else. I have trained my body to CRAVE FOOD all the time. There is no satisfaction. I don't feel full. So, for me, when the diets say "eat as much as you like" of something that is just an oxymoron. LIMITS ARE NECESSARY! I can eat 3 lbs of meat just as easily as a box of oreos..... so quantity is a problem.
I settled on the Keto diet because eating full fat actually is satisfying and it has been easier for me to fight when the urge to eat something all the time strikes me. Pecans with lots of salt do wonders when you want to eat a whole bag of chips. Butter and heavy cream, real dressing on lots of lettuce, all of these things are helping me get through this process of retraining my brain to turn to God not food.
The journey is not and will not be easy. I am a traveler on a very long path to self-acceptance and this blog will be my way of documenting the roller coaster of my life. Losing weight is just a small part of the bigger picture. I am doing well using this method of losing weight, but honestly for me the food is just not the issue it is the reason behind eating that is. I eat not because I am hungry. I eat for the pleasure of it. I was eating my feelings away. I was numbing with food and when you do that... I can assure you NO DIET will satisfy. Everything you try will be a struggle. The results will not be the same as a person who really just over ate and gained some pounds and needs to cut back to lose it. NOOOOO being a food addict means that every time something goes in my mouth I have to wonder, am I hungry, or is it something else. I have trained my body to CRAVE FOOD all the time. There is no satisfaction. I don't feel full. So, for me, when the diets say "eat as much as you like" of something that is just an oxymoron. LIMITS ARE NECESSARY! I can eat 3 lbs of meat just as easily as a box of oreos..... so quantity is a problem.
I settled on the Keto diet because eating full fat actually is satisfying and it has been easier for me to fight when the urge to eat something all the time strikes me. Pecans with lots of salt do wonders when you want to eat a whole bag of chips. Butter and heavy cream, real dressing on lots of lettuce, all of these things are helping me get through this process of retraining my brain to turn to God not food.
This is me May, 2016. I don't know how much I weighed in 2011. I don't care anymore. What I am trying to do is stop using food to cope with
sadness. I am trying to stop using food for comfort, for happiness, for, well, everything. Instead of turning to God, I was turning to food and it wasn't working anymore. The bigger I got the emptier I felt.
This is my story. This is my journey to recover from an addiction to food. I want to reach out and encourage anyone out there struggling to let go of an addiction. IT IS POSSIBLE, but you must pray and lean on God for support and strength. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. 50 miles in.... 150 miles out! I have lost almost 40 lbs since February. It seems like it is taking forever, but I know this, nothing worth having is easy. I sure don't want to go backwards again. Keep following along with me on this journey and let's see where it goes! God Bless
This is my story. This is my journey to recover from an addiction to food. I want to reach out and encourage anyone out there struggling to let go of an addiction. IT IS POSSIBLE, but you must pray and lean on God for support and strength. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen. 50 miles in.... 150 miles out! I have lost almost 40 lbs since February. It seems like it is taking forever, but I know this, nothing worth having is easy. I sure don't want to go backwards again. Keep following along with me on this journey and let's see where it goes! God Bless
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